XCOS goes-a-jobhunting.

21 Nov

Well, I’m honoured. An e-mail has just come in from a guy named Mike, who would like to share his Curriculum Vitae with readers of xcos.eu, the UK’s least read blog.

Mike writes; “Dear Will (that’s me), no doubt you will be worried about your future career prospects at this time of economic uncertainty, so to help you and your readers out, please find enclosed my CV as a template for future careers success.”

Now, I don’t really know what he meant by that, but I’m happy to oblige him. Please find below Mike France’s CV, and hopefully you’ll be able to take some hints and tips from the layout, or whatever. I’ve had to take out the names of the companies Mike worked for, just to make sure no-one contacts those companies to say that he’s shoved his CV online. Apart from that, it’s word for word as I received it. Enjoy. Oh yeah, I left his e-mail address in just incase you wanted to send him any pointers on his CV, Explainin’ The Cosmos is a two way street.



Mike France MA(Hons)

Personal Details

Address: Redacted

Home Tel: Redacted

Email: himynamesstereomike@googlemail.com



Introduction

I am a Philosophy & Politics graduate, slowly but surely, going mental. I don’t have any professional qualifications, but have a whole load of experience working in crappy, dead-end jobs. You could say that I’m the eternal optimist, forever applying for different menial jobs in the hope that one day, some mentalist will see the potential in me that others, and myself, have not. Oh yeah, and pay me handsomely for it. My motto in the workplace is “do as little work as possible, for as much money as possible”. You, potential employer, may be sickened by that sentence, but at least I’m being fucking honest about it. And if you look at what you do in your job, don’t you try and do the same? Don’t you? EH? Delegating duties to temps and taking three hour long lunches, with Toby Ainsworth from Accounts? Yeah, you know.

Career History

October 2008 to Present

Professional Trolley Pusher, Company Name Redacted for Legal Reasons

Having left previous employment under, well, a storm cloud would be putting it mildly, I have been temping for minimum wage at (Deleted, Legal Reasons) for the last year. The job is mainly a manual one, though I do need to use Microsoft Office when my boss is away and I’m doing his job. For minimum wage. That’s right, if my boss is off sick at (High Street name, big company, can’t say, legal issues), and I have to organise the whole stationary distribution business off my own back, I get renumerated to the tune of five pounds fucking eighty an hour. In fairness, I do very little when I am in the office, so I suppose it evens itself out. There is no natural sunlight in my office, which in turn plays havoc with my movements. Vitamin D, doctor says. This is no exaggeration people. Well bunged up down there. I need the sun more than David Dickinson and Toyah Wilcox. I guess I’ve gone off track here a bit, this is what I do at work;

  • I push a trolley around. Sometimes, the trolley has supplies on it. Other times, it doesn’t.

  • I won an award for being the best guy to push a trolley around in 2009. Go team France!

  • I don’t have control of a budget, but I really should. Imagine, all the stationary supplies I could buy!

  • I nearly got sacked for punching the Regional Sales Manager, but after she came around, I told her that there was no way I could have punched her in the face, a bit like that time where Father Ted got away with kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse. This clearly shows that I have good negotiating skills.

  • During quieter periods of the day, I like to make myself look important, and help boost the companies image, by wandering about the various floors of the building wearing a mask with the face of the CEO on it, thus frightening the office workers into doing some fucking work and not looking at Facebook all the fucking time. Employing me could literally save your company millions of pounds by enhancing manpower.

June 2008 to September 2008

Recruitment Assistant, Company Name Redacted for Legal Reasons

On a temporary week to week contract, I was working for this company during a time of internal restructuring, which was so piss-poorly managed, they literally took on at least 20 different temps during my time there to help clear a backlog which needn’t have been there in the first place. Please refer to below for my key responsibilities, but I just want to make clear the reason why I left this company. Note to [Name Redacted, Legal Reasons], the phrase “Manager breathing down my neck” is just that. It’s a phrase. It’s actually deeply unpleasant when you, on several occasions, crept up behind me and actually did it. Though if you were a woman, and slightly younger, it might have given me a thrill, I dunno.

  • Data Entry: We received the regions application forms, entered them onto an in-house system, photocopied the forms, and stamped the copies with a big rubber stamp saying “File Copy”. This means I have tolerance to inane bureaucracy skills.

  • Reference chasing. Oh God, what a lot of fun that was. Would you believe most of these guys references mysteriously had left the company? I’d ring up God knows however many people in the course of a working day, only to be told they didn’t exist. Furthermore, when I tried explaining to my manager why the references were not forthcoming, it was suddenly my fault, and that I wasn’t working hard enough. Not only that, but my offer to write the fucking things was treated with derision. This is clearly an example of unappreciated problem solving skills.

  • Updating the website: Using a proprietary system that makes my iPod’s notepad application look like the most advanced authoring tool of all time, I was expected to submit all new job vacancies with the company to the website on a Thursday afternoon, to go live on the Friday. It would have helped, perhaps, if the other inane tasks given to me by Captain Neck Breather, such as moving filing cabinets, running to the shop to buy him fags, and envelope stuffing had been done by other people. That way, things might have got done.

  • Front Desk Duty: I got put on the reception desk because I was, and I quote, a “disruptive influence” on other people around me. That’s right. It was somehow my fault that the overweight, middle aged women in the [redacted, legal reasons] team came over to talk to me about Big Brother, and yet me telling them that I wasn’t interested in the slightest made me the disruptive one. Work that one out. Evidently, I need to work on anger management issues.

September 2005 – June 2008

Call Centre Operative, Company Name Redacted for Legal Reasons.

First full time job I had out of University. Relatively straight forward, I put on a headset, and the computer I was sitting at randomly called people who I had to sell TAT to. Probably the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever done, because it was selling the unsellable. In fairness, the management at the place were reasonable human beings, but they too had a job to do, which was to verbally prod you with a shitty stick until you had reached your target. Passed over for promotion several times, and swiftly transferred internally to [Department Redacted, Legal Reasons] in 2007 to be part of a customer service team. There, the management weren’t reasonable human beings (bar a couple of really decent blokes), and so after 6 months or so, I began to make my displeasure known. I eventually got the sack after falling out with nearly every manager in the building, That, and the series of bizarre letters I sent to HR saying that unless things changed, I was bringing in my Great Dane, Tarbuck, to maul them.

  • Sales: Had to persistently badger people into taking out products they weren’t bothered by in the slightest. Naturally, human nature kicked in and repeated rejection meant that I didn’t badger the poor sods all that hard in the end, which meant I got a bollocking from upstairs. Whilst it shows an unwillingness to blindly follow the rules laid down by them above (which, we are told, is “professionalism”), it does show a lot of common sense on my part, not to mention the ability to bring about change by offering alternative strategies to them upstairs.

Qualifications

  • 2007: SQA in Customer Service. Almost. I had to complete this with the help of my managers, who weren’t in the slightest fucking bit interested.

Education

  • 2005: MA Hons (2:1) REDACTED

  • 2001: A Levels: Computing, Economics, Politics, and A-S Maths – REDACTED

  • 1998: GCSEs: Lots and Lots and Lots of the fuckers

Interests

Smoking, Drinking.

References

On request.

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