Experimental Psychotherapy

12 Jun

Dear Tony,

You may remember that in 2004, I had to leave your employment at Wheaton’s Plastics due to a stress related illness. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the company, and I thank you for the help that you and others gave me through that difficult time.

As part of my recovery, my doctor has put me on a course of alternative therapy called the de Havilalaand Method, which is precisely my reason for writing to you today. Founded by the famed psychoanalyst Roger de Havilalaand, he held the belief that all mental maladies are caused by the subconscious replaying bad memories over and over in our mind, looking for closure to episodes where one party may have been too overbearing, or not had enough of a say in a discussion. De Havilalaand’s solution is to write to people who we feel we’ve wronged, or been wronged by, to prompt the synaptic wiring in our heads to accept the past, and to move into the present.

Tony, I would first like to apologise for the incident on the 23rd of May, 2003, where after having a minor argument about the rights and wrongs of the UK’s entry into the single European currency, if you recall, I kicked you hard in the groin. Repeatedly. I know now that what I did was an over-reaction, and I hope that you will feel vindicated by the Euros subsequent failure to stand up to the pressures of the global financial crisis. I am also grateful that you chose to leave the matter and not to pursue disciplinary action, and that you understood my actions had been affected by lunchtime drinking.

However, there were times when I was in your employment when I thought you were perhaps a little unreasonable. Again, I never said at the time, but under de Havilalaand’s method I must tell you this now, to help me “let go”. Do you recall that time, I believe it was around about July that year, where you paid two trained actors to dress up as policemen, knock on my door, and tell me that my parents had died tragically skiing in Aviemore? At the time, I said I thought it was a funny joke. Tony, that was not a funny joke. It was an awful thing to do. What was worse was when you told me that they were adoptive parents, so they “didn’t really matter”, and that you and Julie were my real parents, but you gave me up at birth because of the recessive ginger gene? I must tell you that the ordeal has left me with a massive mental scar, but I do understand that afternoon drinking did play a part in your actions.

I drew the line, Tony, at the production line incident in January 2004, just before we parted company, where you smashed me around the face with a cricket bat, collected the 5 miscellaneous front and middle teeth that came out, and used them for moulds for making “Goth necklaces”. Whilst I was glad that you sorted me out on the company dental plan, I think that both you and I know that you overstepped the mark that afternoon, and for six years I’ve been waiting for an apology. One word, Tony, one word. The “s” word, Tony. And 50% of the profits of Goth necklaces, which I believe are the number one selling toy in Sevenoaks in the 14-17 year old teen goth demographic. I appreciate that the incident may well have been aggravated by my calling you a “cunt” moments before, and we of course both had been drinking that lunchtime.

The beauty of the de Havilalaand method is that you get a right of reply to apologise for your wrongs, and to bring me to task for mine. Please find enclosed a stamped addressed envelope, along with my address. Should you wish to phone or email, my credentials are also attached, underneath the razorblades, the rat poison and the vial of badger-TB infected blood. I apologise for their inclusion, but I had a couple of whiskies whilst writing this to you. You mad old fucker. Hope you die.

Yours sincerely,

Roger Tressle

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One Response to “Experimental Psychotherapy”

  1. James June 26, 2010 at 12:15 pm #

    Brilliant.

    Like

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