Food what I just ate.

30 Jul

Dave the Barman suggests I would make a good restaurant critic. Here goes…

I am in a pub. This should not come as a surprise, as it is one of the few things in my life that I do. I am generally either a) at work, b) at home, or c) in the pub. Occasionally there will be an exciting fourth option, such as going to the football, cinema, park or gun shop, but by and large I have a simple life. You can generally have a 33% chance of correctly predicting where I am at any given time, and, if you factor in the likely times at which I’m at home or work, you can increase your chances of correctly guessing where I am to a massive 100%. This is, of course, only if you have nothing to do.

Today, however, I am in the pub purely by mistake. Having been to get my hair cut, and being a very vain man indeed, I decided to stay out in order to fish for complements. I also decided to have lunch. So far, not one person has complemented me on my dapper snipped-up hair. No-one. Not Big Sam. Not Wee Eddie. Not Ray-mund-O!. Not Gary the South African. Not even Pete the Thief. Not even a derogatory remark from Insultin’ Jeff. The first part of the trip has been a waste.

Thankfully, the food fared much better. I went for the lasagne. Lasange is one of these dishes that is easy to make, but very difficult to make good. For my money, only two people get lasagne spot-on, my Dad (sorry Mum), and Tennents bar in Glasgow’s West End. This is almost certainly due to the ludicrous cheese-to-meat ratio that these goons employ.


Here’s my meal. As you can see, the lasagne and ONE cherry tomato are to the left of the cutlery, with some ranched up leaves and THREE cherry tomatoes to the right.

The lasange itself wasn’t that bad. I appreciate the effort, despite it almost certainly being a microwave-me-do, but found it lacking. See, a lasagne is split into three parts: a) cow, b) tomatoey goodness, and c) cheesy pasta topping. There was no faulting the cow element of this dish; it was quality beef with a nice bit of spice to it. Perhaps a little too peppery, but worse things happen. The tomatoey goodness was a little bit bland, if I’m honest. Usually, you get complementary vegetables, such as carrots, mushrooms (not a vegetable) and ting, which boost the flavour and bring joy. Instead, this lasagne contained what I call “generic red sauce with herbs”. Not unpleasant, thus rather thin. Luckily, the white sauce/cheese/pasta combination made up for it, but as I lamented earlier, needs MOST CHEESES.

All in all, not bad. Me and Dave the barman (who served me my food) suggested that I should give restaurant reviews a go, so here it is Dave. Also, thank’s for this:


That’s right, a lemony fresh wet-wipe. I didn’t know you still got them, such has been the length of time since I last ate out. I thought they were dead.

Furthermore, as I was writing this, Dave came up to me, asked how I was enjoying the meal, and gave me the weirdest backrub since the beginning of time, nearly ruining my meal. Nice one, Dave. Don’t worry, folks, he only does this to people he knows, don’t avoid it on his account, you’ll be fine!

The Society Room
Wetherspoons (Lloyds Bar No1)
Lasagne: £5.50. 7/10.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: