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My kidneys hurt when I burp

10 Oct

Earlier today, Adam bought to my attention an article on Twitter etiquette, namely “what not to talk about on Twitter”. Some of it was fairly accurate, namely not tweeting about a conference that you’re at, or commenting about photos at, but it was mostly pish.

The one thing I took most offence at was the top suggestion, that you do not tweet about what you are eating. Food is a universal subject that most people have an interest in, on account that we all do it, and it’s always good to get advice on what’s good to eat, and what should be avoided on pain of death (metaphorically speaking, of course, though perhaps literally if the item of food in question is toxic or makes you suicidal). In fact, I was so taken aback by this ludicrous suggestion that I decided to relay the making of my dinner tonight on Twitter purely to prove a point, and here’s how it went:

Millinship’s Mighty Macaroni

You know what kids? Tonight I’m going to cook my tea live on twitter, just because I’ve been told not to “lol plz RT”
willmill82 Oct 10 11:54 am

Hello. Tonights tweets will be educational and hopefully nutritional. Tonight, I will be tweeting on how to make *edible* macaroni cheese.
willmill82 Oct 10 6:29 pm

Why not join me? I’m starting at 7pm BST, that’s plenty of time to get down to the shops unless you live in the middle of fucking nowhere
willmill82 Oct 10 6:30 pm

righto, starting at 7 for real but you might want to grab a beer now, and also stick the kettle on. #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 6:55 pm

the beers not for cooking with by the way. I’m doing this tonight in honour of keith floyd and macho man randy savage #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 6:58 pm

We’re off. First of all, boil up some pasta. Do this now. Doesn’t matter what type, I’m using cheap tubes out of a supermarket #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:02 pm

Would usually start the sauce at the same time, but I cant cook 2 things, drink and type simultaneously. I don’t have that power #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:06 pm

the more observant will have noticed I didn’t say how much pasta. let’s make this clear, I don’t do measures, as they are lame #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:09 pm

christ this pastas shit. Best using bertolli or something #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:15 pm

pasta done. Now the sauce – melt some butter in a pan, gradually add the same amount of flour and mash up – await further info #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:20 pm

oh yeah, do that on a low heat, otherwise you’re fucked #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:26 pm

now, still on a low heat, add milk slowly whilst constantly stirring it. do this till the sauce is quite thin #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:31 pm

when you’ve done that, finely chop a leek and put enough in to make the sauce greeny #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:33 pm

add the leeks and stir in, still on the low heat. leave for a while, grab some good quality ham, and chop #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:37 pm

if you’re a veggie then you can substitute ham for croutons or magic beans #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:39 pm

now add chilli seeds! DO IT DOIT NOW #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:45 pm

oh yeah the cheese bit. Now add cheese. I’m using wensledale and chedder, and italian grated shite in a tuube #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:46 pm

turn the heat up NOW so that the sauce thickens whilst the cheese melts #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:49 pm

last bit – add mustard, pepper and the pasta that you cooked earlier. Then eat. THATS IT I’M DONE #maccheese
willmill82 Oct 10 7:53 pm

And that, ladies and gents, is how you make Macaroni Cheese. Admittedly Twitter isn’t the ideal medium in which to give a cookery lesson, but then this was more about proving a point than anything else. Oh yeah, and it was bloody nice too.

(EDIT: Oh yeah, the real time exchanges, plus comments, are archived here if you fancy a look)